i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
