Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
