im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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