if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
