Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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