at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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