I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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