Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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