well you can't waste a boner
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
