At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
