i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
