Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
