Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
