You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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