your parents love me but you hate me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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