I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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