I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
