Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
