i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
