You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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