We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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