I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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