I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
