The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
