That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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