just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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