Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
