where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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