his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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