paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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