Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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