The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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