if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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