My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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