so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
