I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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