I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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