I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
