UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
