Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was confusing and full of hummus
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
