The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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