You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
