I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
