I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
