just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
