u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
