You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
