Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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