i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
