just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
