i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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