That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
