if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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