i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
organizing the empties. That sober.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
