"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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