after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
