believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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